Movie review: GI Joe- Rise of Cobra

Reposted from a comment at DumbDrum.

Let’s begin with the fanboy review:

Lame. Lame, lame, lame.
(I’d say SPOILER ALERT, but who cares)

Snakeyes (who everyone thought could save the movie) … lame.
Snakeye’s stupid-ass molded mask … lame.
Snakeyes vs. Stormshadow in what should have been some awesome fight scenes … lame.
Little kid Snakeyes vs. little kid Stormshadow … lame. And cliche.
And maybe stereotypically racist?
Snakeyes and his “vow of silence” … lame.
Stormshadow's un-ninja like white suit … lame.
The Baroness with no accent … lame.
The Baroness’ transition glasses … lame.
The Baroness as Duke’s girlfriend … lame.
Zartan … lame. And underused.
Zartan being in the movie for all of three minutes while being one of its most critical plot points … lame.
Accelerator suits … lame.
Nanomites … lame (though not completely un-GI Joe like).
Destro without his metal face … lame.
Destro WITH his metal face … lame.
“The Doctor” aka Cobra Commander … surprisingly not lame. They got the voice down, though I don’t know why they needed to deviate from the classic shiny silver face mask. Or the cowl.
“The Doctor” and Duke being besties from way back … lame.
Marlon Waylons … surprisingly not lame.
Brendan Fraser’s cameo … lame.
I won’t even get into the whole “international force” deal, because it wouldn’t have bothered me if the rest of the movie wasn’t so … lame.

Now, putting aside the hundred-some comics and closet full of toys, here’s a more impartial review:

GI Joe wasn’t unwatchable, in the way “Spiderman 3″ or “Spawn” or “Street Fighter” (with Jean Claude) were unwatchable. It was generic, sure. And it wasn’t the GI Joe movie I would make (or want to see made), but for those without years of emotional attachment to the characters, it’s a run-of-the-mill action movie that totally connects with little boys.
Yes, it was full of over-loaded action scenes that make it impossible to really tell what’s happening. And yes, instead of coming away awed, you leave a little overwhelmed. But that’s what’s popular these days. No, there wasn’t any real character development, and what was seemed trite and silly. But it’s GI Joe, not Shakespeare.
Think like a 8-year-old boy and you’ll be fine.